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What do Cialis and Bathtubs have in common?

Honey, load up the Subaru, I’m in the mood

By Debra (LoGuercio) DeAngelo

©Copyright 2009, Debra DeAngelo, all rights reserved

I guess I just don’t know that much about sex. Despite the fact that I’ve practiced for a really, really long time, clearly I’m doing something wrong, because I keep watching those Cialis commercials with the happy couple holding hands in separate bathtubs, and I’m just not getting it.

Separate bathtubs. This puzzles me immensely. And on so many levels.

First off, what’s the timeline here? Are they in the bathtubs before or after sex? Or instead of? It’s not during, because that would be physically impossible. They appear to be glowing and satisfied, so I’m assuming it’s afterwards. And here I’d always thought it was good form to take the bath BEFORE having sex.

On the other hand, if things went so well as to actually require a bath afterwards, dang… hats off! But… there’s that separate bathtub thing again. If you’ve just had crazy wild sex, haven’t you already gotten to know each other well enough to take a bath together? I mean, you showed me yours and I showed you mine, are we gonna get icked out by each other’s stuff now? That’s pretty messed up. If your lover insists on separate baths after having sex, you might need to call the doc for some ointment or something.

Second, the bathtubs are outside. If you have one bathtub -- let alone two -- in the back yard, it’s God’s way of telling you you’re too poor to have a Jacuzzi. Or too cheap. Or possibly too redneck. (Hint: If you also have two sofas on the front porch, you’re in the third category.) Sometimes, however, the Cialis bathtubs aren’t in a back yard, they’re at a lake or beach. Which segues to…

Third: I’ve never seen a portable clawfoot bathtub. It’s not like you can throw a pair on top of your Subaru Outback and head to the beach. Besides, with an entire expanse of sparkling ocean tickling your toes, sun all toasty on your skin, breeze fluffing your hair and all sorts of rocks and cliffs to duck behind with your honey, you’d rather sit in separate bathtubs? Holding hands? Freak. And I don’t mean that in a good way.

Besides (which brings us to “Fourth”) hauling these bathtubs all over creation seems like a lot of work. By the time I loaded up the Outback, drove to the coast and dragged the bathtubs down to the shoreline, I’d be too tired for sex.

But maybe that’s Cialis’ evil hidden agenda – exhaust your partner with this insane bathtub rigamarole until he or she no longer cares about sex. Bingo. No more whining and pining about for sex: WINK, WINK… “Baby, you in the mood?” “Sure, sweetie, but first, let’s drag a couple bathtubs halfway down Dillon Beach.” “All right!!! I’ll go gas up the Subaru!!!”

You know, I might fall for that a couple times, but sooner or later, I’m so totally going to catch on: He doesn’t want to have sex with me! And my next thought will be, “Do I need a bath?”

Ah, the bitter irony… been taking baths for weeks now! How much cleaner can I get! But wait… it’s all becoming clear to me now… You’re trying to drive me slowly insane… so you can fool Scotland Yard and nab my inheritance! I’m no fool! I’m onto your wily plan! I saw “Gaslight”! Do I look like Ingrid Bergman?!

If I did, could we stop hauling these bathtubs around and have sex?

Separate bathtubs. Separate bathtubs! How, in the wildest stretch of the imagination, is this sexually fulfilling? You can’t touch each other, except for holding hands. You can’t see anything except from the neck up. Nuns could get this kinky. Even if you wanted to have sex, you couldn’t -- you’re confined in separate watertight containers! Talk about safe sex! There’s no possible way for any bodily fluids to be exchanged.

That’ might be useful for combating teenage pregnancy and STDs, however. Forget sex ed in high school, just give teens a pocketful of Cialis, and tell ‘em to load those bathtubs onto their skateboards and roll them on down to Putah Creek. The ones with driver’s licenses can borrow Dad’s Subaru for the evening. 

I’m envisioning a 1950s-esque Lovers Lane of sorts… tandem bathtubs, side by side, as far as the eye can see… Uh, oh! Watch out for the guy with the claw-hand!

Yes, I’m losing it. Those Cialis bathtubs are weirding me out. I’m 50 years old, and (children, avert your eyes) I am not a virgin! Not even! I’ve had two kids, which proves I got it right at least twice. OK, so I haven’t exactly mastered the Kama Sutra either, but I know for a fact there’s nothing in there about separate bathtubs! Furthermore, I’ve been “in the mood” on occasion, and it was never once occurred to me to run out back, jump into separate bathtubs and hold hands. If separate bathtubs are the Holy Grail of Sexuality, I’m in the wrong crusade.

Damn you, Alfred Kinsey.

Please, for the love of God, somebody enlighten me about this separate bathtubs thing. I must know what I’m missing! There must be something to it, because those cursed bathtubs are the new Cialis logo. Which means their campaign is working, which means there are a whole lot of folks out there who are onto this, and are gettin’ their sticky sweet separate bathtub freak on. And I want to know what that’s all about before I go blow a load on a Subaru.

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