Snout that pig

By Debra LoGuercio

LET ME SAY, right up front, that I personally will never need this product, because my guy is the most wonderful, fabulous, awesomest man in the world, and I have no use for it. That said, I realize that all men are not the most wonderful, fabulous, awesomest man in the world. (How could they be! I'm already dating him!) But I'm sure there are a lot of guys out there who could crowd in as a dead-heat for the Number Two spot. And their women won't need this product either.

And that said, I realize that my sister isn't among them. She's one of those “Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places” kinda gals… wants a nice guy to settle down with but keeps going for the 20-something red convertible, smooth talker Hey Baybay types. Has been for more than 20 years. And if you can still attract 20-something red convertible, smooth talker Hey BayBay types for two decades and still running, well, more power to ya. You go, girl.

Of course, as many know, these sort of hot-rod relationships often end badly, and feelings get trampled upon, and gals who've had their heart broken one too many times might be bent on revenge. Hence their theme song, Carrie Underwood's “Before He Cheats.” If you're living in an underwater cave off the cost of Papua New Guinea and are the last living soul who hasn't heard that song, here's the chorus: “I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up four-wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats... I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all four tires... Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.”

It's true, what they say about scorned women. And apparently there are a lot of them. That song's a Double Platinum hit. And my sister was savvy enough to recognize that therein is her marketplace, her personal oeuvre. She's an expert who knows from whence she speaks about broken hearts and broken promises, and also one who knows that you can't just go through life trashing the car of every man who trashed your heart without a gaggle of lawyers comin' a knockin' on your door. And maybe a police officer or two as well.

So. How to channel all this anger and resentment into something less destructive. And possibly lucrative. The answer's in the back story: A few years back, Sis used to take photos of all the men who done her wrong and pin them to a bulletin board with a pink push-pin on which she'd painted two little nostrils. She'd put the pin right on the guy's nose, giving him a pig snout. It was known as her Pig Board, and was quite the conversation piece when friends came calling. And naturally, they wanted one of their own to fill up. There was her lightbulb moment: What if I could make them and sell them to scorned women everywhere?

She set out to do just that, and prattled on about this Pig Board idea for months, contacted graphic artists, hooked up with manufacturers in China, sent me this and that document to edit for her website, and I just played along good-naturedly, because I figured it was just pie in the sky, because who could actually pull this off. Well, turns out, much to my sheer amazement, my sister could pull it off. And in this case, not because she's The Pretty Sister who charmed the sox off everyone she came in contact with, but because underneath all the flowing blond hair and Hollywood smile, she's got a personality like a steamroller and when she sets her sights on something, God help you if you're standing in between her and her goal.

Bottom line, she did it, and if nothing else, I must tip my hat to her steel-willed tenacity – something I'm completely lacking. In 17 years of writing, I have yet to complete one single book manuscript, because underneath whatever it is I do or don't have going on, there's no steamroller here. Just an airy, whimsical butterfly, distracted by whatever lovely flower blooms in front of me. I have no ability to complete anything on my own without being whipped along by an imminent deadline. I guess that makes me The Stop and Smell the Roses Sister (formerly known as The Smart Sister).

So, despite the fact that I'm fully certain I'll never need to snout my wonderful, fabulous, awesome man, and despite the fact that I believe that no one's really The Pig because it takes the participation of both parties to truly destroy a relationship, I feel compelled to give a shout out to my kid sister and congratulate her for creating a new party game, The Pig Board. It's sort of a spin on Pin the Tail on the Donkey, but for grownup angry women who need a little emotional release, as well as a laugh or two. You can find it at www.snoutapig.com. And if you know someone who's about to dig her keys into the side of his pretty little souped up four-wheel drive, maybe you can get her a late Christmas present before a gaggle of lawyers comin' a knockin' on her door.